Standing In the Spot Where I Thought About Killing Myself
I was in a much different place six years ago and I'm glad I made it through and realized life could get better
Content warning: Suicidal ideation and discussion of methods
I live in the Boston area and don’t come to Boston’s Seaport District often because it’s where I came closest to attempting suicide six years ago.
I worked in the area as a marketing copywriter at a startup making a lot more than I do now, in a place where people were treated like shit. Maybe that’s what all the free lunches, snacks, and cold brew on tap were for.
The day I was fired from that job after doing my absolute best, sometimes working 10 hours a day (13 if you counted the commute) and never coming close to violating one policy, I looked over one of the bridges connecting the Seaport and the rest of the city and considered jumping. I decided it wasn’t high enough. So I considered the speed of each train line and wondered which one might take me out clean.
One thing that saved me that day was my concern the train would only leave me injured. So I continued to walk over the bridge, past the T station, and thought, “Screw it, I’m going to get drunk.” I did that and lost my ID on the train back home. My old identity was gone.
I stood near where I used to work recently and watched the wind blow over the harbor water. The way it moved and the glittering reflection made it look like a swarm of white butterflies.
I survived. I transformed. I found where I belong.
I’m grateful I was fired.
I’m grateful I didn’t kill myself.
I honor my pain.
I honor my joy.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
More stories from this time in my life which led to my transformation:
The Other World, Part 1 - The Boxer
The Other World, Part 2 - Orange Blossom Special
The Other World, Part 3: Beware of Darkness (which is about the day described above)