Today is World Bipolar Day
What my life is like living with this mental health condition and experiencing stigma
Today’s World Bipolar Day. There’s still a lot of stigma about the condition I’m diagnosed with, and some people in my life have encouraged me to keep it a secret, but I say to hell with that.
Given I’m more open about having bipolar disorder due to my job in mental healthcare and writing/speaking, telling people I have bipolar disorder feels like someone mentioning they have diabetes. Like someone with diabetes, I have a chronic health condition and I have to take steps to manage it well. Sometimes it makes me feel really crappy and I can’t do certain things I’d like to do.
Bipolar disorder may show up differently in each person who experiences it, so when I talk about it here, I’m talking about how it affects me. You may note that someone you love who has bipolar disorder deals with similar things or very different things.
I also have generalized anxiety disorder. You might be surprised to learn that for me, my anxiety disorder is a bigger pain in the ass. Given I’m well-treated now, I’d take bipolar over anxiety any day, if I had the choice. My husband would say the same.
I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2. This means that when I’m experiencing high energy, it tends to not be full mania. What I experience is called hypomania, a lesser version of mania. When I experience this, I tend to talk A LOT and don’t leave much room for anyone to interject. I also get a ton of stuff done. I’m able to cross 12 things off of my daily to-do list, when I can otherwise only get 3 things done. When I experience hypomania, my house is clean, I get a lot of writing done, I talk to a few of my loved ones over the phone, I’ve killed that day’s workout, I’ve rocked that work project, etc. This part of bipolar can be dicey because I feel AMAZING and ACCOMPLISHED. I’m getting so much done! I’m at the top of my game!
People who experience full-on mania might get the feeling that they’re a god or have god-like abilities. Due to the way mania and hypomania makes people feel, people with bipolar might not want to take psychiatric medications to help tone things down, even if their lives are falling apart. They tend to worry that medication will dull these feelings and their abilities. I love getting stuff done too, but the downside to my hypomania is that I usually end up becoming extremely irritable, I might yell at people or about whatever awful thing I just saw on the news, and will wear myself out. When things are really bad, I might also have some unusual thoughts and believe that something I hear on TV or on the radio is a special sign for me that will determine my future, for instance.
Everyone’s different, but the way I manage bipolar disorder is by taking medication, going to therapy regularly, making sure I get enough sleep (this helps prevent psychosis, which is possible with conditions like bipolar), journaling, staying organized, preparing for each situation that’s not familiar (if I’m going somewhere new, I’m looking up the traffic and parking situation online beforehand, in addition to the seating and food situation), saying no to things that would prove too overwhelming for me (like a concert or club that has no assigned seating),
(Deep breath)
carrying noise-canceling headphones with me wherever I go due to my noise sensitivity (I’m at a fairly noisy coffee shop and am wearing them now), avoiding substances (cannabis can make psychosis worse and alcohol has never been good for me), preparing for each day and week beforehand so I don’t stress out during the week, taking breaks at work when needed, not listening to energetic music when I feel hypomanic, using a happy lamp during weeks when I’m feeling more depressed, employing CBT / DBT / ACT coping skills as needed, avoiding the news so I don’t enter a negative spiral, limiting social media. exercising, eating healthy, and all that other crap your doctor tells you to do that you never listen to.
So while I don’t have kids and my life is otherwise easy-peasy, managing my health can be a pain. I work full time and consider managing my health a part time job, taking up 20 hours every week. Most of this stuff takes place behind the scenes.
For instance, when I go to a birthday party, funeral, wedding, you name it, I’m spending a lot of time preparing and thinking about, “What can I do to be as ‘normal’ as possible at this event?” I prepare, go to the event and usually do well, sometimes as a result of masking, then come home and crash.
Socializing is another way I manage my condition, because I get weird when I isolate too much. I love being social, but it takes a lot out of me. I have a friend who has bipolar disorder who will only see people in 3-4 hour intervals. I’ve taken a cue from this and now don’t spend 8 hours socializing with folks like I used to. It proves very exhausting for me, and I end up not feeling well the following day and falling behind on my usual preparations.
Another thing that has benefited my mental health is not working in a toxic environment. I spent most of my career working in journalism and marketing, and my last two jobs in that field were awful, work-yourself-to-death places that made me hate myself. I’m lucky to now work at the same hospital where I completed a partial hospitalization program (PHP) a few years ago, which set me on the path toward true recovery. It also helps that I’m able to practice my values at work and that what I’m doing feels meaningful. Working there as a peer specialist has really boosted my self confidence and put me in touch with other peers who have bipolar and are living well with it. Another thing that's been crucial for me is having a routine. Even my brother Larry, who has bipolar disorder and doesn’t work, has a daily routine.
Sometimes I run into stigma. It’s been interesting going from working somewhere where no one knows you have bipolar to a place and position where everyone knows. Most people I work with are awesome and very accepting. There are very few others who have talked down to me and treated me like I was unintelligent. I remind people often that having bipolar disorder has no effect on your intellect. I can sense that some folks I speak with look surprised when they realize I’m smart. It also seems some coworkers have viewed me like patients on our floor who are having a really hard time and exhibiting extreme behavior as a result of their suffering. These stigmatizing views seem to mostly occur with younger workers who don’t have as much education and experience regarding mental health yet. Once these coworkers stay a while, they seem to express less stigma.
A few months ago, I did a speaking event with The Human Library, whose motto is, “Unjudge someone.” For this event, library patrons were able to “borrow” a “book” from the human library. Mine was titled, Living With Bipolar Disorder. The majority of people I spoke with were lovely. Many of them were just wondering if their loved one, who also had bipolar disorder, would be okay. I tried to reassure them that recovery was possible, especially given the bleakness I once experienced, and shared what helped me.
But one woman I spoke with was very ignorant about what having bipolar would be like. When I shared that I was married, she exclaimed, “Wait, you’re married?!”
“Yes, I’ve been with the same person for 20 years and have been married for 13 years.”
“WOW.” She was floored. A pause. Then she asked, “Did he KNOW?”
Me, internally: (rolling eyes and laughing) Oh my fucking God.
Me, externally: He didn’t know because I didn’t know either. I was diagnosed later and he’s done a lot to learn about the condition and support me in the best way possible because he loves me.”
“WOW, that’s amazing,” she said.
I’m not trying to be hard on this woman. It’s clear she had never knowingly met someone with bipolar disorder and, like most of us, was never educated about it. But I’ve come across other people who were shocked I was married and in a long-term relationship. People I work with and serve who have dealt with similar mental health conditions have been flat-out rejected by people they dated upon sharing their diagnosis. Some were even rejected after years of marriage because the spouse “didn’t want to deal with this.” What were the marriage vows for, then? It’s awful and upsetting, especially when I can see how much these people have to offer in a relationship. It makes no freaking sense to me. Would you reject a date or your spouse for developing diabetes?
I began experiencing bipolar symptoms when I was about 13 years old. That’s a tough time to try to distinguish what’s bipolar disorder and what’s being a normal, moody teenager. These are some things I experienced before I was treated:
Suicidal thoughts
Self-harm via cutting
Extreme irritability
Paranoia / Suspicion
Becoming angry with loved ones and sometimes brutally telling them off
Substance misuse (unfortunately more common with bipolar)
Talking so fast and being so animated that someone I went to school with thought I was on cocaine (I’ve never tried cocaine)
Isolating myself
Oversleeping
Spending most of my time in my room at home
Having racing thoughts
Getting into risky situations because I didn’t recognize the risk (which could also be partly attributed to my youth)
Less of a need for sleep
Feeling that when some things happened it was a sign
With medication, the right treatment, and a good Wellness Recovery Action Plan, my life is now wonderfully pretty normal. I’m not cured, I never will be. There will always be some things that can negatively affect me or put me at risk, but I can manage my health condition a heck of a lot better now.
And I’m a badass at doing it too.
Resources
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)
The Mighty’s Bipolar Mental Health Condition Guide
Movie Trailer: Silver Linings Playbook