Changes and Depression and Anxiety, Oh My!
A review of the last few weeks where I went dark for mental health reasons
Hey there, pals! It’s been a little bit. Life has been a whirlwind lately.
First, the positive! My husband and I had our 15th wedding anniversary (that feels so weird to say because I still feel the age I was when we got married).
We haven’t celebrated yet because we’re super lame and busy, BUT we did get a present for each other. Presenting…
Apollo, friend and brother to our dog, Rocky! We were immediately smitten with him and are glad we adopted him.
But for me, given that I deal with bipolar disorder and anxiety, it was an unexpectedly big adjustment. Every stressful thing seems to be magnified for me. In fact, routine or life changes, even if they are positive, can trigger bipolar symptoms. I learned this when I read Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner. Here’s a snippet from it:
I’m not like all people with bipolar disorder. It presents differently in different people. But I’m not exaggerating when I say that adopting a kitty for me might be as anxiety-inducing as other folks who’ve had a kid. I was kind of losing my shit preparing the house to make sure Apollo would be safe and comfortable, along with maintaining his safety and comfort when he arrived. I don’t know how parents to human children do it and emphatically tip my cap to them.
I worried about every situation Apollo could possibly get into. I lost sleep the first couple of weeks when we were still getting used to each other. He initially played with his toys for much of the night, which led to me losing sleep. Losing sleep is bad news for folks with bipolar disorder because it could lead to mania or psychosis. I knew losing sleep was making me irritable, which can be a symptom of mania.
So I was worried at first, but he soon became more comfortable and cuddled with me at night. Random fun fact: I learned that cats who “knead” with their paws are happy and content. It seems he’s a happy boy and I love when he kneads his paws into me at night over my blankets. I feel like he’s tucking me in! He’s super sweet when he’s not going bonkers and getting into everything, but I’ve learned to take a more mindful approach to that and realize he’s just a kitty doing kitty stuff.
That stress subsided as of this week, but I also dealt with the dreaded depression and wow, did it rear it’s ugly head this time. It’s the worst I’ve felt for a while. It pissed me off because I felt I was doing everything right: Taking my medication, going to therapy, eating right, exercising, working at a job I love, having a positive relationship and friendships, etc. Seriously, my life is going so well right now outside of finances (working in mental health, amiright?).
So I’m like, “Fuck you depression, fuck you in your stupid face.” And depression is like: “No one likes you, you’re annoying, people just put up with you because they feel like they have to, people don’t like your writing at all, you should just give up, you have nothing smart to say, people think you’re stupid, you ARE stupid, you think you’re making a difference but you’re not, blah, blah, blah.”
The thing that really stood out to me was that about a month ago, a friend from my college years emailed me 20 years after we last saw each other to say that he happened upon an article I was interviewed for about working at a grocery store during the pandemic. He also read some of my stories here on Substack and shared what he liked about them. He told me he loved what I was doing and to keep going.
That gave me a huge boost. “Wow!” I exclaimed to Greg. “This meant a lot. I’m making a difference, at least to someone, and they reached out to me all these years later! Sometimes I feel like I want to give up, but I’m going to keep writing.”
“I’m proud of you,” Greg said. “That’s really awesome.” He understands this type of elevation as a visual artist.
And then, a week later, the darkness hit. I couldn’t believe I’d gone from this big boost to thinking I was better off dead. How did this happen?
And then the anxiety. When it gets bad, I don’t want to talk to anyone, even people I know and like. For instance, when I once felt this level of anxiety and ran into a coworker I usually love seeing, I wanted more than anything to just run away and not talk to them. The thought process being: “I’m just going to embarrass myself, I sound stupid, I just can’t talk right now, I don’t want them to see me like this, I’m so embarrassed to exist, what if they stop liking me, why is my life, I can’t be perfect right now, why can’t I just hide from everyone, why can’t everyone go away, I’m so awkward, blah blah blah.”
During this time of extreme depression and anxiety, I used the following coping skills, even though I felt like I was trudging through the mud to employ them:
Forced myself to do things and maintain a routine, even though I didn’t want to.
Pretended to be calm (it’s weird but it actually helps - it’s easier to do in front of other people). People have told me that I have a very calming, peaceful presence and it’s so funny to me because it sometimes feels like there’s a tornado in my heart and I’m about to break down.
Practiced mindfulness, which can include paying attention to the present moment without judgment. For me, mindfulness feels like I have more of a sense of “flow” and I can better get through my day.
Exercised.
Ate healthy food, except when I attended Jim’s birthday party because his lovely wife made gluten free cornbread and brownies and we had an all-ages ice cream truck visit, which was the dopest thing ever.
Tried to remind myself that people do care.
Used cognitive behavioral therapy in a situation where I felt like I looked really stupid. “Do those people really care? In my heart of hearts, I doubt it. Maybe they just think that was a funny situation, not that I was being awkward.”
Cuddled with Rocky and Apollo.
Talked with Greg and asked him if things I thought were realistic (the answer is usually no).
Used my Happy Lamp. Someone recommended it to me and I initially thought it was kind of hokey, but it WORKS. However, I found out that people with bipolar disorder need to be careful with it. I think the directions said to sit in front of it for an hour. When I did so, I felt a lot of energy. My coworker, who also has bipolar, said that 20 minutes was sufficient. This time around, I actually sat in front of it for close to an hour because I felt so low.
Talked about this stuff in weekly therapy.
Anyway, I’m back and glad to be out of that hole. It can be scary and frustrating, especially when you feel like you’re doing everything right. I’m grateful I forced myself to exercise my coping skills. I don’t think I would have gotten through that time period as quickly without them.